A Long December

This morning I woke up with a strange feeling : Year 2007 is coming in less than 2 weeks and next Monday is even Christmas and I don't realize that fact so much...What have I done this year? Why does it seem that time goes by that fast? I blinked my eyes. Before I blinked my eyes I was still in Lyon at Gaëlle's place, at the beginning of December 2005, looking at the falling snow from her window while drinking a cup of peach tea, piping hot, talking with her about 10001 things while Jonathan was playing his brand new Nintendo DS, and after I reopened my eyes again, here I am at the very moment writing on my pc, about a 1000 km away from France, where the sun still shines in December, where I don't like my tea piping hot but extra cold with a lot of ice cubes, and Jonathan now wants Wii - NDS is so over.

And I, truly feel a big fear : The fear to blink my eyes and jump forward to 10 years ahead.

Nonsense, said my mother. You think time goes fast? Wait until you have kids. Then time does go very fast.

Then I remember what Magali, Jonathan's sister, and Rebecca, Jonathan's sister-in-law, told me, last year.

Time doubles its race the very time you plan to have kids and let your husband plant a seed in your womb. You get pregnant, you give birth to a baby, and then the little one grows. Soon it'll walk and talk and then go to school, years pass by and suddenly your little baby is a rebellious teen.

Ah, yes, time does everything. Gives life to everything. Raises everything. Leads the journey of everything. And when the time is up, it takes back the life it has given previously.

The other day, I talked with Jonathan about life and death. He told me all religious beliefs were actually invented to soften mankind's fear towards death. When life ends, where would you go? Would you sleep a long time till the world ends, or will you go to paradise to meet angels, or even worse, jailed in hell?

I personally believe in God and all the Almighty Power He has upon us. If I die, I don't think I'd go to paradise directly before purging all my sins. Jonathan thinks, if he would die one day like everyone else would, he would love to leave a trace, knowing that he's lived a good life. Having kids, giving them all things possible in the world : love, good education, good standards of life, family blessings - just about everything.

I started thinking the other day, after he told me, "I almost can't wait to have kids with you, I'm wondering how our kids would look like. I would love to see my French-Indo-Chinese baby girl with dark black hair, skin like the finest china, your Chinese eyes with the depth of my turquoise eyes, my dimples on a small and cute pair of apple-pink chubby cheeks - along with a red cherry set of lips. Or a French-Indo-Chinese baby boy with all beautiful mixed features that he would look like a little Cupid you see in books."

I started thinking about having kids. Our kids. I'm terrified by the idea of giving birth, but at the same time, I can hardly wait to welcome them. To see our own flesh and blood, given life to a human form of a baby. And there's love. Very much love. The challenge we would together face to raise them. And eventually forming our own little family.

Thinking about that, I agree with Jonathan, if I had to die, then I would love to leave meaningful traces from my life. So when I get to sleep under the cold earth, I would have something to remember. Something to hold on. Love. My love for Jonathan and our future kids. My love for my family, mother, father, brothers. A life filled with happiness.

The other day I almost cried when I saw him sleeping like a baby beside me. I love him so much and I'm so thankful, blessed, happy, to have found the love of my life.